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"We just can't wait to come back and explain to our kids that their mom and dad have been together for a long time and that thousands of people have been forced to look at our vandalism."

According to report, the unstable conditions caused lightning to strike after considerable imbalances were discovered between the higher ups and those under pressure below.

In an exclusive backcountry interview, we spoke with the, ah shit hold on one second, VVVVRRRMMMMMM VRRMMMM VRNMMMMMMMMMMMMM VRRMMMM VRRRRMmmmmmmmmmm, longtime dirt biker and environmental enthusiast who turned out to be a really nice guy.

In what is being viewed as the turning point of an ill-advised solo cross country trip, the unemployed divorcee found clarity at 282 feet below sea level.

Muttering only "Hey" and "Have a good hike," to passers-by, the ultralight backpacker set the new time record while carrying nothing but a tarp, a water bottle, and some peanuts.

"At least the pigs will eat it," the disgruntled restauranteur informed our reporter.

Gearing up for the day's livestock exchange, the cattle broker takes pity on those "sad sacks trying to sell bears to ranchers."

"Take! Take!" The climber yelled to his belayer below, indicating that the route was finished. "Damn, that last crimp was insane. I mean, you would never be able to do anything remotely close to this, but you can probably imagine how I feel right now," he added, unprompted, while being lowered to the ground.

Sources are saying that it will take a lot more than just one shitty fan to cool down the entire planet.

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